Crazy Thanksgiving

Why do I always look forward to holidays so much. To the point they are placed on a pedestal and the entire week prior revolves around said holiday. Decorations are key and are usually obsessed over. Obsessessions also include cleanliness of the home, perfectly dressed children, perfectly dressed mama, pets in holiday wear, manicured lawn, fire in fireplace, etc. I could go on forever about the mental pictures I place on holidays in my home.

With that being said, I achieved all of these things. The lawn guys manicured the lawn and it looked beautiful. Okay, so it's fall and the grass is dying but it looked like the perfect fall backyard. Complete with my husband in his Carhartt jacket frying a big ass turkey while holding a beer in his 'Hers' beer koozy. ('Hers' beer koozy has a naked Australian girl on the front in a seductive pose.) Hmmm, maybe this is why I try to have the perfect holiday dinners...to make up for my redneck husband? The decorations looked great. Fresh flower arrangements all around the super clean house. Fall wreath hanging above the lit fireplace. Nevermind the log covered with a million ants that Jas placed in the fireplace. Our guest said he could hear them screaming before they died a firery death.

Next come the kids in their cute little outfits. Bug wore khakis with a button down shirt and a sweater vest. Al wore a denim skirt with her mary jane panty hose and a shimmery holiday shirt. They looked so cute I could've puked from the sweetness of it all.

As our guest (Jas's friend from medical school - more later) arrived and saddled up to the snack bar for appetizers he said this, "I love kids. Your kids are adorable. I can't wait to have a family." As if on cue, Bug enters the room with pee streaming down both legs of his khakis and he's doing the 'pee walk' - both legs as far apart as possible while crying that he's peed his underwears. Yahtzee, there's my reality check.

I guess I should now explain about our guest. He's a friend of Jas's from medical school. I personally think he was the 'scouting party' to check out our family and report back to the others at school. If you know us then you know that my husband is not normal. He's funny but in a twisted way. He says off the wall things that many people might think but would never actually say out loud. He's fearless that way. So, after spending several months with my husband and his stories about our family these medical school friends have grown very curious about us. Hence, our one guest. The rest of the lab group had other plans. I think they were afraid.

Back to my Thanksgiving story. Once Bug peed his pants, the whole pretty picture I had in my head unravelled. Before dinner, Bug grabbed two forks off the table and stabbed my leg with one of them. Haa haa. It's a very good thing I wore jeans instead of the skirt I tried on. While eating dinner, our guest laughed a lot and loudly, Bug told him 'shut up!' and 'not so loud'. Thankfully, the guest couldn't understand Bug. Later while we were finishing dinner Bug crawled under the table to practice all of his curse words. I heard some new ones...oh damn it, well shit, crap, crap, CRAP, what the hell. I didnt' know he had added new curses to his current repertoire.

After dinner while cleaning dishes, I ran the disposal. I've used the disposal before without any problems or even a hint of a problem. So it was very surprising to me when the other side of the sink exploded and threw black gel crap all over the cabinets, the windows, the floor and (are you ready?) ME. I had black rotten food in my hair, on my face, on my elbow, and all over my white sweater. Could it get any worse?

I just can't wait to hear the stories from medical school about our guest's fun adventures with our family. I think he had a great time since he stayed until midnight. That's a good sign right? After the disposal incident I just gave up on the mental image, had a beer and laughed off the calamities.