Wisdom from a toddler

BB says some of the funniest stuff...ever. I've never met anyone funnier than my child. Well, maybe my husband. Maybe. In the midst of all the funny phrases he comes up with, he has one phrase he repeats a lot.

"The man's got to do what the man's got to do."

Yeah, it's not completely correct but so what. Since hearing him repeat this almost like a mantra whenever he comes across something difficult or he accomplishes something that makes him proud, I've started using it almost like a mantra too.

It's really kind of empowering.

This is how it usually works its way in:

9:00 most evenings the kids are in bed but I'm still catching up on laundry. I don't usually have the energy but push myself through. Occasionally I use his phrase because a 'man's got to take care of himself too'.

When I don't really feel like working out but know I'll feel better if I do.... the phrase almost lifts my ass off the couch once I've spoken those words.

Or sometimes when I know I shouldn't have a piece of chocolate but denying yourself sweet treats ALL the time is just wrong and leads to binge eating... the phrase makes it okay to have one treat. But only one.

Or like now when the kids are toeing the line between good and awful and are begging for a later bedtime. The phrase once again lets me know that I should salvage my sanity instead of catering to their desires.

'The man's got to do what the man's got to do.'

Dinner Conversation with Bug

BB: Is Al my daughter?

Me: No, she's my daughter.

BB: When will I have a daughter?

Me: When you get a little older and you have a wife.

BB: I already have a life.

Me: A Wife.

BB: I want a brother.

He's not giving up on this whole brother thing. Just getting more creative with bringing it up.

Bug Zingers

I had to share (before I forget them).

We've been listening to Christmas music while eating lunch. I don't condone this before Thanksgiving, but the rainy weather demanded some holiday cheer.

"Celebrate Me Home" by Kenny Loggins was on the radio. Bug sang, "Silly Bring Me Home". Next time it's on the radio listen closely. I think Bug's lyrics are much better. We've been ad libbing ever since.

BB asked for more lemonade from across the house (pet peeve of mine). I yelled back he'd had plenty. His response, "I know I'm pretty. I need more lemonade!".

Every day he asks what day it is and where are we going. Today we're going to speech therapy. He said, "That's going to suck".

Me - "That's a bad word."

Him - "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to myself."

Bug Speak

Since this is my journal...a list of Bug's cuteness.

"Al is a baby. I'm a own up (grown up). Babies can't drink soda but own ups can." He drinks IZZE soda which is really carbonated water and fruit juice. Whatever gets us through the day.

When asked what he could do to help after dinner he replied, "Don't talk?". Maybe he'll pass this tidbit on to his dad. That would be so helpful.

I asked him a question about his vampire bat. His response, "Duh. You ij-i-dit. You iji-dit. Id. Idi."
Me - "Idiot?".
Him- "Yes! Idiot!"
Me- Shocked. I'm going to have to watch Spongebob. I bet he uses that word.

BB- My rap is done.
Me- Huh?
BB points to his zipper.
Me- Your zipper is down OR your trap is open.
Great. He's already showing signs of mixing up phrases and words; a source of constant embarrassment for me.

After being sent to bed early for bad behavior, I was on my way out for a girls' night out. BB comes to the top of the steps and says, "Oh bate (great). I was sleeping and you woke me up. Bate (great), now I awake. I'm coming down there to watch TV."
Me- dumbfounded. He's so darn smart. And really good at turning things we say around and using them to his advantage.

Hello my friend, hello

Go ahead and use your very best Neil Diamond voice, I dare you.

Facebook claims way too much of my blogger time. It's ridiculous. Well, no more. Now school will claim all of my free time.

Surprise, Surprise...I was offered a Fellowship Grant through Drexel's online school. The grant gives 30% off all classes as long as I am a part-time student. With two kids, I'd have to be superwoman to take more than two classes at a time and do well in them. The kicker just happens to require that I begin this summer. Just thinking about starting so soon gives me IBS. My brain is not ready. But my life is ready. Luckily, we found our nanny early and she 'fits' in our home quite nicely. Bug has been enrolled in preschool two days a week beginning in September. Combine that with two nanny days and we're set. In theory, I should have plenty of uninterrupted time to devote to school.

What has the child been up to? Thanks to him, I'm almost never embarrassed anymore. Anyone ever have days where you leave the house and check to make sure your pants are on? I do. I thought it would be really embarrassing to look down and lack pants. Turns out, after life with Bug that wouldn't be so embarrassing after all. Now we've entered the tooting stage. He can toot on demand and he does. In elevators, on benches while some poor random soul is inserting the child's foot in a pair of shoes, in Ikea while a sweet little lady is commenting on his cuteness, and during any other time where tooting would be inappropriate.

Random Bug comments:

Walking through an orchard after picking strawberries:

Bug: Mom, you have a big ole wien in your butt.

Me: (Looking stricken and very pale all of a sudden.)

Bug: I'm just kiddin', it's your camera.

Me: (Technically, the camera was in my back pocket.)

Jas yelling at Bug to go to his room because he was tormenting his sister.

Bug: I'm not scared of you. (As he sprints to his room.)

In the grocery store an older women is checking out produce:

Bug: Hey! Have you seen our baby? Isn't she cute?

At the diner after being seated:

Bug: See our baby? Hey, did you see our baby???!!!!

Talking to my mom (his momo) on the phone:

Bug: See our baby? She's so cute.

Thank goodness he loves his sister.

After knocking Alice to the floor and stealing her toy causing her to scream bloody murder...

Me: Go To Your Room.

Bug: How bout I kiss Alice and say sorry 3 times?

Me: Try it.

Alice: (Immediately soothed.)

On our way to a short errand Bug packed his backpack full of toys.

Alice: (Begins screaming in the car)

Bug: (Opens his bag of goodies and passes her a toy) Here you go Allie. Don't pie (cry).

Me: Did you bring any toys for you?

Bug: Nope. I didn't want her to pie in the car.

Me = melting heart.

Life is good.

My turn again?

A while back I had a crazy week where nothing worked for me. It seems the world revolved and it's my turn for craziness again.

• I've upended entire bowls of food onto the floor. 
  
• I've tried to make my child happy by cooking corn muffins but couldn't because a household pest got into the cornmeal, both bags. Which reminds me...go to Lowe's and buy something to get rid of pest. Of course I have analyzed the pantry for signs of a specific pest. Based on my astute observations; i.e. I called my mom and described the evidence; it's probably not a mouse but maybe a weevil. Whatever that is. 
  
• Upon calling the gym to make reservations for the kids, I asked to be transformed to the Kidz Klub. Much laughter ensued when I then asked to be translated to the Kidz Klub. **I might have mentioned confusing words and embarrassing myself.
  
• My oldest child now feels responsible to remind me of daily things I keep forgetting to do. I feel terrible for being the cause of his new responsibility.
  
• I have found several items in the pantry that just don't belong there...brand new, recently opened BBQ sauce, tub of butter, and the coffee creamer. 
• Thus I have also found a box of oatmeal in the fridge. 

Not only did the world revolve and dump braindead on me, the kids have stolen hours from my sleep each night for the past two weeks. Unlike others, I don't need sleep for beauty purposes. -No, I'm not saying I'm gorgeous and don't need it. I just gave up on sleep solving my eye baggage long ago and now invest in expensive creams, lotions and serums. Sleep is vital for my brain to function. I wonder, what would the husband do if he came home and found one of the kids stowed in the pantry on a shelf? Could I sleep in then?

 

Scenes from the day

Today we had an evaluation with a speech therapist for Bug. Baby Al and I were allowed in the room to watch. It was really all I could do not to laugh out loud.

Here are just a few things I heard.

ST showing a picture of a boy holding his stomach: This little boy seems to be holding his stomach. What do you think he's feeling?

Bug: When you stomach hurt you sometimes po up. Then you should po up in the pash can. 

Translation: .....sometimes you throw up and you should throw up in the trash can. This was a valuable lesson learned this week when Bug had the stomach flu. He rolled over with his hand over his mouth saying he needed to 'give up'. His mouth was aimed at my face. I had to lay the ground work for future throw up sessions by telling him that no one should ever throw up (give up) on a mama. Always hit the trash can. He listened well.

ST: Here is a picture of a boy with dirty hands. What should he do?

Bug: When my hands is dirty my mommy says, "DON'T suck your thumb. You get germs". 

ST: What do you like to eat with a spoon?

Bug: (leaning forward with elbows on the table) Hmmmm. Let me tink about this. I like to play in the water with my poon.

ST: Can you point to the little shoes?

Bug: No. No, no no. You can't wear Baby Al's shoes. They too little for you. You wear you own shoes.

I was in tears in the back of that room. Yes, I think she caught all of his problem areas. And no, I don't think those were the answers she wanted from him. But by golly they made sense. My child cracks me up. He knew some things I never thought he would remember. Kids are like sponges! I'm just glad he didn't tell her that she has a gina or curse at her. All in all, it was a very good day out in public.

Bug Zingers

Me: It's time to pick up toys.
Bug: After making a big show of trying to pick up toys but failing... Mommy, my hands are just too small for poys.


Me: Hey there big boy!
Bug: No! I'm not big boy. I'm robot boy.
Me: Hey there robot boy!
Bug: Noooo! You no hey the robot boy.


Me: Bug, you're going to the doctor today and she's going to look at your bottom.
Bug: Well that'd be a little boss (gross) wouldn't it?
Me: Yeah, I guess it is a little gross.
Bug: If the dogger (doctor) tickles my wein, I'm going to tell her to STOP IT.

Me: What do you want to do today?
Bug: I want to do manwork with my fun daddy.
It's killing the boy to have his daddy gone all day at school and then the library every night.

Me: Do you want to go to the playground (gym) today?

Bug: Ness (yes). And me play with kids?

Me: Yes.

Bug: Kids love me.

Crazy Thanksgiving

Why do I always look forward to holidays so much. To the point they are placed on a pedestal and the entire week prior revolves around said holiday. Decorations are key and are usually obsessed over. Obsessessions also include cleanliness of the home, perfectly dressed children, perfectly dressed mama, pets in holiday wear, manicured lawn, fire in fireplace, etc. I could go on forever about the mental pictures I place on holidays in my home.

With that being said, I achieved all of these things. The lawn guys manicured the lawn and it looked beautiful. Okay, so it's fall and the grass is dying but it looked like the perfect fall backyard. Complete with my husband in his Carhartt jacket frying a big ass turkey while holding a beer in his 'Hers' beer koozy. ('Hers' beer koozy has a naked Australian girl on the front in a seductive pose.) Hmmm, maybe this is why I try to have the perfect holiday dinners...to make up for my redneck husband? The decorations looked great. Fresh flower arrangements all around the super clean house. Fall wreath hanging above the lit fireplace. Nevermind the log covered with a million ants that Jas placed in the fireplace. Our guest said he could hear them screaming before they died a firery death.

Next come the kids in their cute little outfits. Bug wore khakis with a button down shirt and a sweater vest. Al wore a denim skirt with her mary jane panty hose and a shimmery holiday shirt. They looked so cute I could've puked from the sweetness of it all.

As our guest (Jas's friend from medical school - more later) arrived and saddled up to the snack bar for appetizers he said this, "I love kids. Your kids are adorable. I can't wait to have a family." As if on cue, Bug enters the room with pee streaming down both legs of his khakis and he's doing the 'pee walk' - both legs as far apart as possible while crying that he's peed his underwears. Yahtzee, there's my reality check.

I guess I should now explain about our guest. He's a friend of Jas's from medical school. I personally think he was the 'scouting party' to check out our family and report back to the others at school. If you know us then you know that my husband is not normal. He's funny but in a twisted way. He says off the wall things that many people might think but would never actually say out loud. He's fearless that way. So, after spending several months with my husband and his stories about our family these medical school friends have grown very curious about us. Hence, our one guest. The rest of the lab group had other plans. I think they were afraid.

Back to my Thanksgiving story. Once Bug peed his pants, the whole pretty picture I had in my head unravelled. Before dinner, Bug grabbed two forks off the table and stabbed my leg with one of them. Haa haa. It's a very good thing I wore jeans instead of the skirt I tried on. While eating dinner, our guest laughed a lot and loudly, Bug told him 'shut up!' and 'not so loud'. Thankfully, the guest couldn't understand Bug. Later while we were finishing dinner Bug crawled under the table to practice all of his curse words. I heard some new ones...oh damn it, well shit, crap, crap, CRAP, what the hell. I didnt' know he had added new curses to his current repertoire.

After dinner while cleaning dishes, I ran the disposal. I've used the disposal before without any problems or even a hint of a problem. So it was very surprising to me when the other side of the sink exploded and threw black gel crap all over the cabinets, the windows, the floor and (are you ready?) ME. I had black rotten food in my hair, on my face, on my elbow, and all over my white sweater. Could it get any worse?

I just can't wait to hear the stories from medical school about our guest's fun adventures with our family. I think he had a great time since he stayed until midnight. That's a good sign right? After the disposal incident I just gave up on the mental image, had a beer and laughed off the calamities.

My funny Bug

All week Bug has been saying, "Bote fo Mama". Which translates to Vote for Obama. So this morning I told him Obama won. And his reply..."Mama won? Two...threeeeee". I guess the age of three is too young to even slightly comprehend history in the making.

Had to share

Bug has been so cute the last few weeks but I never posted any of his zingers. Here are the ones I could remember:

Me: Focus on your food.
Bug: Me no see focus. Me just see pood.

Me: HELP me. Put your jacket on NOW!
Bug: Mommy, do you hear me? You're hurting my ears.

Me: Bug, please talk to your mamo on the phone.
HE talked so long about monsters and his sweet Al and his robot costume...
Bug: Opay, now give me some M's (m&m's).

Bug: Bote for O'Mama
Translation: Vote for Obama.

After touching his tings (things).
Bug: Mommy, look me. Listen me. I told you no, no, no. You no touch me tings.
It's not fun hearing your words coming out of your child's mouth.

Bug: You should try this. It's M's. It's chocolate and yummy. Tome on, this is for yous.


And I know you all have been wondering if my bad karma left...and I think it has. I went to Lowe's today and made it home with everything, even the things in the bottom of the cart. The plumber came today to fix the shower. He dropped everything. Then the shower head just fell off the shower wall...and broke. He said he was having a bad day. Is it possible for me to transfer my bad karma to someone else? He left without charging me for fixing the shower. I tipped him a $20 in case the bad karma wanted to stick around. Hopefully his day will be better now too.

My child

I've been waiting and watching to see which traits my child will inherit from me. So far, he's a lot like his dad. He runs like his dad. It's a crazy, whichever way the wind blows kind of run. -Think Phoebe from 'Friends'. He's a total boy, once again dad. He looks like me but also a lot like his dad. Blonde hair, blue eyes like me but also like his dad. I just want to see something that has me written all over it.

Today my wish came true. While in T.J. Maxx he managed to get his boot and bottom stuck in the cart. You're wondering how that is possible, right? It just is. I thought we would have to call the fire department to come in and take the damn cart apart. After much struggling and sweating, we were free to shop. -I totally feel for him. This is not a good trait to inherit. Any time I wear heels I have to avoid cracks or floor vents or really any crevice. I always put a heel right in that crack and either stick or need a heel repair.

A few hours later, he called me into the dining room and said, "mama, sit". He pointed under the dining room table. So like a good mama, I followed his orders. He climbed under next and pulled all the chairs in so we were very secluded. Next he grabbed my neck. I thought I was going to get a huge hug for being such a good mama but that's not what he had in mind. After grabbing my neck he pulled my head up and banged it on the table. Then he laughed a delirious laugh. I couldn't help but to laugh along because that's all me. Those are the traits that I bring to the table.